I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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