My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
