Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
