tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
