My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
