Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize