I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
