My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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