What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
