i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize