I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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