I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
