Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I party with great urgency now.
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