Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize