So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
