You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
