my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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