what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
