hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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