I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
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