my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize