I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
