Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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