playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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