made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
