I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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