When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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