I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
