I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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