Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
