I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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