i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
