If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
