she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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