My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
