True but thats because hes a fetus.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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