Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
