the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
What a dumb baby whore.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
