someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
