Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
love makes seman taste better
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
