i don't like sucking hair
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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