You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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