the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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