ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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