Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
