i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize