we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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