I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
