On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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