I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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