I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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