yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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