How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
