i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
