Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
