i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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