I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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