I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
