I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
