the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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