you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
