One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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